Monday, March 17, 2014

Being Comfortable in Your Own Skin

I will just preface this post as saying this has nothing to do with spanking; it has nothing to do with promotion, trying to get you to buy something, or even writing for that matter.

But this is my blog, and I have more than one side, people! (Although, I am sure I can work a spanking innuendo in here somewhere if you stick around, because I am not dead.)

You might know, or you might not know, that I joined a roller derby league 9 months ago. It's excellent exercise, it's a nice way to channel my competitive nature, and who knew I could be sporty? (I certainly didn't)

I have a whole new image to get used to, and I felt very alone about it until reading this post this morning.

The thing is- working out and sweating my ass off a few nights a week on roller skates has changed my body. I know this shouldn't be shocking, but I guess I just didn't anticipate the results because that wasn't my goal. 

I'm 31 and I was feeling more and more like an old lady. My lower back would tighten up, my knees were hurting, I would get winded walking up the stairs with the laundry. My goal of joining a sport was to trick myself into exercising, as I abhor sweating, or working out for no reason. And I figured if I was being active, I wasn't resigning to a sedentary life- where 10 years down the road I couldn't do much of anything at all.

Body image-wise I was fine. I have always been a curvy girl. I got boobs when I was 11 so I had a long time to come to terms with my curvaceousness. So yes, by 30, I was comfortable with the fact that I had boobs, an ass, hips, and would never fit into a size smaller than a 14 again. And I didn't care!

Then I started to lose some weight. Yay! My clothes were fitting better.

Then they weren't fitting better. Because they weren't fitting. They got big and swimmy, and I hardly noticed until my husband mentioned that maybe I should go buy some new duds.

And then people started making comments.

"I hardly recognized you, you look so different."

"You got so skinny!"

and my favorite:

"You lost sooooo much weight!"

(Way to make me feel like I was once a ginormous cow, and now I am finally worth noticing)

This is where I say I am afraid at this point I am sounding like I am complaining about losing weight. I am not. I don't even think I'm complaining. I really am just addressing this issue I am having about my body image changing in my 30's. Suddenly I feel like I am 13 again and everyone is staring. Everyone is judging. And (of course) everyone has an opinion.

I spent the last 20 years making jokes about my curvy figure. Shaking it to distract from my minor insecurities. My mental image of myself has not caught up with the image everyone is seeing. Now in large group settings my comments and jokes about "being curvy" die on my lips because I am not sure I am equipped to make them anymore.

I shrug off compliments, dodge questions about my weight (I don't own a scale, I have no clue how much I lost), and cry when my husband comments that my boobs shrunk. Yes, I cried, I think I scared him. It was not a good day.

I'm getting faster. I'm becoming more agile. I'm feeling like a real roller derby player and that is all I am judging myself on.

Recently, I was talking to one of my brother's friends and I think he brought it all into a better light for me. He went through the obvious- you look great, I didn't recognize you, blah blah blah. I awkwardly shuffled my feet and laughed and tried to be gracious. Then I was waiting for the follow up question- usually it's the 'How much did you lose?' But he caught me off guard and asked something that really does matter.

"How do you feel?"

I hesitated, no one had asked me that before. And I realized something:

"I feel pretty, fucking awesome." 


  1. I love that, it just made me tear up. I think that question is awesome - that last one - and I'm so glad you feel awesome because you are awesome! I kind of get that 'I'm not sure I'm equipped to make those jokes anymore' - it's just a sensitivity you have for other people and I think that's a beautiful thing. I love you, my friend. And I love your pics of 'this is what I really do...'


  2. That's because you get me, N. :)

    Thank you.

  3. aww tha's a great question that he asked. I just don't know. Anorexia has been a life long struggle for me- I went on my first diet at 6 years old. I know though currently, my weight is only one piece of a "Nothing is right in my life atm." It seems pretty silly as here I am in the midst of a fun blog tour for a new release.

  4. Joelle- I'm sorry you feel like nothing is right in your life right now. I also didn't want this to sound like I was complaining about losing weight. I just think it's ridiculous how much pressure our society puts on appearances and I was always under the impression that I was completely unaffected by it. But then my body type changed and people are commenting, and it was like I didn't know how to handle it. It is unnerving. I don't want my appearance to be what people are judging me by. And I don't want any of my friends to feel that way either!

  5. I get you, Casey! :)
    Loved that last question!!
    And I agree, you are awesome!


  6. Casey I loved this. What a great post. And, yes, society puts a LOT of emphasis on weight and because of society we do too. No matter how we fight it and say we don't, we all do. I have been skinny and I have been "fluffy." It is easier to be skinny, but my skinny came at a price (anorexia) so to me being heavy means I am not struggling with that but it also means that I don't fit what society accepts. There is a definite happy medium and it sounds like you have found it!! Good for you!! Enjoy it!