What Makes an Alpha Male Alpha? #spankingromance

I had a friend of mine read over my latest book to see if there was anything I needed to change. Her main criticism? She didn't like that my alpha hero was a tea drinker. Her first comment was that she didn't know any American alpha males who drank hot tea.

I guess I didn't really think anything of it because first off, I read a lot of books by British authors and I am sure I have come across more than one alpha male who was a tea drinker. I never made the connection it was a normal British thing and not necessarily an alpha thing. And secondly, my very own real life alpha male is a tea drinker. He's never been a coffee drinker. He likes the smell of coffee and will occasionally have a small cup if we're in a diner or something. Otherwise, he loves tea. Flavored teas, regular teas, he really isn't a picky tea drinker.

He can also be quite bossy even while he's sipping hot tea. And while I could argue the fact that alpha males come in all shapes and sizes and drink preferences, as readers we probably do have some preconceived notions about what an alpha male does and what he likes to drink.

Found on Pinterest-- not sure of actual origin

Alpha males drink their coffee black (unless they're British, then they get to drink tea).

They probably drink beer and whiskey and eat steak (should I mention that my own alpha male will never turn down a good pina colada?).

They aren't afraid of spiders and will always be there to rescue you from them. (Although, Indiana Jones was afraid of snakes—is that an okay thing to be afraid of? I am just guessing that he was an alpha male. I mean, he carried a whip.)

They probably know how to ride a horse and fix a car. There's probably some innate skill about milking cows too.

I get it, as readers, we want to read about men who are completely capable and all around manly. I tweaked the tea bit in my book a little, my hero definitely prefers coffee and is spotted drinking a beer more than once. 

In real life, my alpha male drinks tea, can't fix cars, and enjoys the occasional musical with me. It definitely doesn't make him any less sexy, but maybe it doesn't exactly make him a romance hero. That's okay because I would be a pretty terrible book heroine. 

My dad is an all around Mr. Fix It. He's one of those guys that carries a Swiss Army knife in his pocket and can fix things with a piece of foil and a rubber band. But he's petrified of spiders. When I was younger, I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. A spider ran into the sink and I shrieked. My dad came to the rescue, he pulled me out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut. We stood together in the hallway for a few seconds looking at each other. I think, even at six, I realized slamming the door in the spider's face probably wasn't going to do much. Dad's solution? "Let's go get your mother."

That might be a funny scene to put into a book and would probably be a forgivable flaw that a reader would enjoy. But it might also make the reader think that if the hero can't face down an eight-legged creepy crawly, maybe he'd run from other dangers as well. 

The thing is, while I am making the case that real life alpha males aren't all the same (and they shouldn't be, because life would be boring that way), I understand characterization. I get that it's important to portray a hero as the ideal, manliest man, swoon-worthy guy. My books aren't novel length. I write novellas. I have 40-50 thousand words to make you fall in love with my heroes. If he needs to drink coffee for you to love him, then he'll drink coffee.

I really don't care what my hero drinks as long as he can make me smile, respects his woman, and likes animals.

I mean even if he doesn't love animals he should still be nice to them. 

It does have me thinking though, what are some traits that turn you off to a hero?

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"I'm Going to Spank You."~ Dancing With a Dom

I have Katherine Deane visiting today with a snippet from her latest release, Dancing With a Dom!


The head dude in charge loomed above me, for a few minutes. Waiting for me to make up my mind, I guess. Since I couldn’t go invisible, I had to face him. I straightened and acknowledged him with an embarrassed grimace.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. I’m not usually like this.” Why I pleaded my case before this stern-faced man I don’t know. But I did. Maybe I didn’t want him to think I was a bully. I certainly felt like one.
“When’s the last time you ate?”
Of all the questions he could have asked me—where are you from, why are you so angry, are you married, why did you make my dancer cry—this one caught me off guard.
“I…”
“Have you taken a break since you started this morning?”
“No, sir.” Where did that come from? Great, I was falling for the big, stern daddy type. All right, spank my bottom like the naughty girl I am. Just please don’t send me to bed hungry.
The corner of his mouth quirked up. 
Oh God, did I say that out loud? I waited for the universe to swallow me whole, as my whole body overheated with embarrassment.
“Here’s what’s going to happen.” He took my hand, and propelled me toward the door. “We’re going to head over to the deli and get something in your stomach. Then we’re going to talk about what’s going on in your head. And then I’m going to turn you over my knee and spank you for being so mean to my favorite employee.”
Okay, we had a plan. A course of action for the day. A full list with everything laid out— “Wait, what did you say?”
Leaning in with a toothy grin, he pulled me closer to him. “You heard me the first time. I’m going to spank your ass, naughty girl.”
Well, that made my panties wet.

To this day, I’m still not sure which is more embarrassing.

Being left by your husband who says you are fat, overbearing, and frigid in bed.

Or having to change partners midway through a season of televised dancing—because your partner can’t lift you.

Both hurt. A lot. The first made me want to curl up into a little ball and hibernate. Since I had plenty of fat to store away for the winter, it didn’t sound like a bad idea.

The second left me so angry, I waltzed the man through his own set of moves—straight up to the full mirror. Then I lifted him. Luckily, he didn’t get hurt. And I didn’t get sued.

But that’s how I ended up over the knee of the hottest man I have ever met.

After he spanked me, he became my new partner.

We danced.

NOTE: This novella originally appeared in the USA TODAY BESTSELLER Bound, Spanked and Loved: Fourteen Kinky Valentine's Day Stories.

This story has been reedited. 10k words of hot new scenes!

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Being a Good Girl

The thing about my kink is I love a Dominant man, I want my husband to be in charge and tell me what to do. It's an on switch. Does that mean I am submissive? To a point, I would say so. 

But in delving into this theory for the last handful of years I think we could both safely say that our Dominant/submissive relationship does not extend much past our bedroom walls. Or bathroom, or couch—as the case may be.

It works for us. Once in a while he would switch into Dom mode in a fairly public setting and as long as it had that joking, not quite serious tone to it then it would make me swoony. But other than that, just be my partner in crime. I am a fiercely independent girl and if you step on that I will get bent out of shape.

Then last week I suffered an injury at roller derby practice. Nothing major. At first I thought it was a twisted ankle, a bad sprain maybe. My teammates helped get me to a bench and got me ice and I called Mr. McKay.

Up until then I had been cool as a cucumber. It barely hurt. I was all brave face, I got this, no big thing. But once the probing questions started from my husband and I could sense his panic even through the phone—I burst into tears.

What is it about that? Like when little kids fall and they're completely fine until they look around to see if anyone is alarmed.

I heard just a hint of concern in his voice and it broke me. If he was worried, I should definitely be worried.

It turned out I broke my ankle in two places. I had a soft cast and splint on the first few days. I have these crutches that I was speeding around the house on. The first day I one crutched it out to the kitchen, made myself coffee, cleaned the living room, and spruced up the bathroom.

The look of horror on my husband's face when I told him later on would have made me laugh in normal circumstances. But I tried to think of it in reverse, if he was hobbling around like a mad man on one leg and possibly hurting himself further, yeah, I would be worried too.

So I surrendered a bit. If he told me to stay put, I did. If he gave me ice to put on the swelling I iced it. If he wanted to know what I wanted to eat I told him. 

It's been a give and take. I am trying not to be a hero and do everything myself. He's not getting crazy when I sit for a few hours at my desk instead of on the couch with pillows propping up my lame ankle.

I guess I am learning to let someone take care of me and that's a weird role for me. I also feel guilty.

We've always divided up the household duties. Nothing written in stone, but roles we had slipped into. Mr. McKay cooks a lot, and I would always clean up the kitchen. Now he's stuck with both and the first few nights he looked exhausted. Pile on that the litter boxes to clean (normally my thing) and last night he had to do a load of laundry (he knows how, I just normally do it). 

I offered to do the dishes. I can stand on one foot long enough to wash a couple plates and glasses. He almost looked swayed as I upped my game, "I'll tell you if I'm getting tired. I'll stop the minute I need to sit!"

In the end I was denied the freedom of doing the dishes (someone remind me why I was begging to do them in the first place?).

I'm trying my best to be a good patient and at some points he gets so deliciously Dommy I am hoping the swelling and throbbing stops soon so he can really Dom me.

I worry about the spanking though and the all out kinkiness—our initial problem in the beginning was that he treated me as if I were made of glass. We just got to a good point in my opinion and now he is back to treating me as fragile.

I actually asked him yesterday when he thought we would get back to spanking and he raised his eyebrows at me.

"I mean not now, obviously," I said, as I writhed in pain on the couch. "But once I'm not in pain, we can do it with this cast on, right?"

"No." He dismissed me and went back to his laptop.

"Yes!" I yelled from my prone position.

"Maybe eight weeks," he said in a mocking tone. "How about, when you can walk again?"

I narrow my eyes at him.

"Be good, or it will be a diet of steamed broccoli for you," he replied.

I barely kept myself from sticking my tongue out at him. But inside I was all fluttery. At least he cares enough for my well being.

So baby steps, maybe one night this week I can wash some dishes, and then surely I'll have earned a spanking!

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The Way I Like It

I feel like this accurately sums me up. I mean who really likes to be told what to do? I know I don't.

But kinky fun is a whole different story.

Over the last year or so I have been exploring more and more what makes me tick. I've been writing the spanking romance and have had numerous conversations with Mr. McKay about domestic discipline relationships, dominant/submissive relationships-- all this stuff, trying to figure out where we fit in.

He usually just lets me talk and tries his best to look interested. He will weigh in with his opinion, but most of the time will let me talk myself around in a circle and then we go about doing the same things we were always doing. Which is fine, it works for us.

The one thing that I have been emphasizing though is that I really do like to be dominated. I got a raised eyebrow from my husband at this statement. He is probably thinking back on the many, many times when he has tried to tell me what to do and he got a very pissed off woman on his hands for his effort.

So then I clarified. Being dominated turns me on. If we are fooling around, I tell him, don't hesitate to take charge, I like it.

You know what? He listened. It's been nice.

Then once in a while I have one of these "Be careful what you wish for" moments, where I am like- Why the hell did I have to tell him that?

This was one of those moments:

A few weeks ago I had everything happen at once: I was trying to finish a book (a self-imposed deadline, but it felt important), I was coming up on my first real roller derby bout, and my mother ended up in the hospital. 

All three of these things combined and I was barely sleeping. I was holding it together, but the one who got to pick me up when I couldn't keep it together anymore was my partner in crime. And he took it all in stride. He was more patient when I snapped, he was more understanding when I cried, and he tried his best to get me to take care of myself.

The only thing is when you are trying to get someone to take care of themself you are telling them what to do. And sometimes that is not always well received.

Towards the end of this hellish week, I was exhausted. But I got it into my head that we needed to have sex. The only thing that would make me feel better was making sure we were still doing what we like to do.

It was late, I was tired, but I was gung-ho with my plan. 

I suggested some sexy fun, and was promptly told that I should get some sleep instead. We would have time tomorrow. 

That sounded a hell of a lot like someone telling me what to do. 

So I stripped off my clothes and stood in front of him in my matching blue and black lace bra and thong.

He looks me over appreciatively: "Were you wearing that all day?"

"Yup," I say and give him a little shake. I want this to happen and now it feels like it's something I want to win.

"Nice," he says. But then reclines back in the bed and continues perusing the channels on the TV.

For real, dude?

I climb up on the bed next to him and nonchalantly brush up his side.

He gives me a sideways glance, "Oh, so this is happening now?" He's not annoyed, more amused, but looks slightly exasperated.

He follows up with, "I thought I was in charge?"

Hmm, well, he's got me there. I was the one who said that right? But I never thought it would be used against me.

I blink back at him. Should I just give in and go to sleep as requested, or do I push a little?

He makes up my mind for me and presses me into the bed, delving his fingers past my panties. He slips my bra off and laves my nipple with his tongue.

I reach over to the top of his shorts, wanting to return the favor. He pushes my hand away, "No, I'm good. This is about you."

Um, what? I try again and get the same response. I get annoyed and try to push his hands away from me.

He grips me with the hand that is in my panties and just says, "Don't."

I drop my hands.

Just one word coupled with his hand tightening over me and I am a puddle of mush.

He moves on, rewarding me with multiple orgasms. It didn't take me long to get over the one-sideness of it. I felt awkward at first that he wasn't letting me do anything in return, but once I gave in and really let him take over I felt more relaxed.

I think it was the best night of sleep I had all week. I woke up feeling re-energized and relaxed and ready to take on the world.

Don't worry, we did have a part two the next night. And I showed him just how thankful I was that he likes to take care of me. 

Even if I yell at him sometimes when he tells me I should eat something before practice...

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Round Table Discussion- DD

The lovely Corinne Alexander is hosting this round of Round Table Discussion. So glad you stopped by! Corinne picked the topic of Domestic Discipline to discuss today. I feel like this is definitely a hot topic in the spanking community.

I know I always have something to say about it. Mostly because I am intrigued with it and want to figure out what exactly it is all about. She posed a few questions that could help get us started.

1. What appeals to you about DD?
2. What does not appeal to you about DD?
3. Do you practice any version of DD?
4. What do you think are some common misconceptions of DD?
5. If you practice any version of DD what have been the greatest joys it has brought to you?
6. What are the greatest challenges?

I'm only focusing on the first three questions and I'm going to start with #3 (because I am a non-conformist, don't judge me). My husband and I do not practice DD. I thought I would like to, I still think I might like to try one day, but it's sort of a decision we need to make together and right now it is not something we are doing.

We've had conversations about it and I don't really think he can wrap his mind around it. Also, when I brought up the fact that he would be enforcing something we had both agreed upon, he is just sort of holding me to it and following through with consequences- he said it would never work. I would like to argue that fact, but in a way I think he's right. This brings me back to the Dominant/submissive conversation that was also a previous Round Table post and seems to always be a topic around here.

So me, not being very submissive, I can understand his reticence. Because in my mind I am thinking- We agree upon something I want to work on, like I won't drive while I'm talking on the phone, you know, because it's illegal. And I won't do it, because we made it a rule and it is for my safety and if I do happen to slip up or just blatantly do it out of no care for myself then he should spank me, yes?

But I know he is thinking, we would make this a rule and then I would break it and if he called me out on it I would be all like- I had important things to say! And important places to be! Multitasking! No cops were around, dude, chill. Because this is exactly how it would go, I know this, because it happens now and it's not exactly a 'rule' but I constantly get scolded for using my phone while driving, and these are all the excuses he hears. I do get bent out of shape and I do get my back up about it and no, I cannot really see myself submitting to a spanking, even though I know it's dumb and I shouldn't do it.

His second point is that I like to be spanked. And yes, this is 100% true. So he then thinks I would be breaking rules just to get him to spank me. Which my argument is, if I wanted him to spank me I would just ask him to, because I already do, so what would be so different?

He also doesn't understand that there is a difference between a spanking as fun and a spanking as punishment. We had a little weird scenario that sort of bordered on a sexy/but also scolding spanking a few weeks ago. The post is here, but long story short, I got super drunk and fell in the shower and he was pissed that I could have really hurt myself. Also, to get me to calm down and to stop hysterically apologizing he told me he was going to spank me. This was all new to us. Him telling me he was going to spank me for a reason other than sex and then following through with it. Which brings me to questions 1 and 2 (see I got there, just stick with me).

The feelings I had when this was all happening. I was having horrible horrible guilt for going completely off the rails (it was also his birthday- did I mention that?- yeah, I suck) and ruining our night. The fact that he would call me out on it made me feel a little bit better. I think it takes a lot to be honest with someone even when you know they probably don't want to hear it. If I had asked him- did I completely ruin our night? And he had responded- no it was fine! But silently stewed over it, we probably would have gotten into some weird passive-aggressive behavior. This is the way we work anyway. I will tell him when I think he is acting out of line or being a jerk, he will tell me when I am getting bitchy or drinking too much, isn't that the way it should be?

But the spanking added a whole new part to it, now there was a definite ending to the situation. An atonement of sorts. I mean, it felt like we were both kind of playing a role, and it turned into some kinky sex, but it was still a different thing than we normally do.

And I think that is what appeals to me about Domestic Discipline, it brings in defined roles and kind of clears the air of a would be argument.

This brings me to question #2, what doesn't appeal to me about Domestic Discipline. It's almost the same thing that I find appealing, I find unappealing the fact that my husband would be holding me to certain rules we had decided upon. I know- and now you're thinking- Hey crazy, didn't you just say that you would like that? Yes, and I never said I made sense. I just wonder if I wouldn't end up feeling resentful, because while my husband is super amazing, he is not infallible. So why would I be subjected to rules and consequences if he wasn't?

This doesn't mean I am knocking on couples who practice DD. I am not, at all. I think it is a lot to discuss and a lot to work out before you even get started. For the most part DD couples probably end up having stronger marriages because of all the communicating and discussing that needs to happen. As with a lot of things it is a lot of trial and error.

It always sounds so simple in books (as do most things), the more dominant partner is in charge and the submissive partner learns to love it. If the submissive is feisty and fights it a little it only ends up being a steamy, interesting story. In real life it's not so simple, not so cut and dry.

I'm not saying we would never practice some form of DD, because I never say never. And maybe in a way we already are, just not as clear cut. We're doing our own thing and figuring out what works for us and I think that's all you can ever really do.

Make sure you visit all the other posts this week as well, thanks for stopping by!

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Round Table Discussion- Submission

Welcome to the second installment of the Round Table Discussion. So glad you decided to stop by! When you are done here please visit the main page on Spanking Romance and check out what everyone else is saying!

Submission- the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

This is the definition I got when I typed 'submission' into my google search bar. For whatever reason the terms 'superior force' and 'authority' make me tingly and I feel pretty safe in saying that I am not the only one who possesses this on button.

For me, I think submission is tied into the whole spanking kink that I have. Spanking is my thing, my ultimate fantasy, my immediate turn on, but I think it is part of a bigger whole of a Dominance and Submission thing. I'm not saying that I would want to be someone's sex slave and completely dominated 24/7- although, wait, I just let my mind wander there for a second and it was hot.

What I am saying is I don't mind a little dominance in my life from time to time, and in the bedroom, yes, I would like this ALL the time.

We don't practice Domestic Discipline, or have a D/s relationship. I like things on the kinky side and my husband is open minded and daring enough to indulge me. But how to you get someone to dominate you? I guess it helps to start off with a partner who likes to be in charge. The same controlling, stubbornness that makes me want to knock my head into a wall (or throw a remote) in real everyday life, is the same force that can have me weak at the knees in the bedroom.

But how to bring this up without sounding like a complete nut? “Hey, remember earlier when I was driving and you kept telling me I was: going the wrong way/speeding/not paying attention/making illegal turns? And I told you to shut your mouth, I knew what I was doing? Well, why don't we do that again, only naked, and not in the car?” Yeah, I know, it makes me sound like an insane person.

Asking him to spank me was one thing (I mean a very big, very scary thing), but I feel like trying to get him to take a more dominant role is trickier. It also doesn't even make sense, you can't make someone be dominant- it sort of defeats the purpose- like topping from the bottom. Also, trying to talk about it gets us nowhere. When I mention things like 'dominant' and 'submissive' my husband takes this to mean 'being an asshole' and 'being a pushover'. (And if you were wondering, yes, me telling him I thought he had a natural dominant nature made him think I was calling him an asshole- so that went over well.) Obviously we are not speaking the same language on this matter.

So in an effort to get over the weird bedroom talk such as :

Hubby: What should we do tonight?

Me: Spank me?

Hubby: Yeah, if that's want you want.

Me: Maybe some anal. If you want?

Hubby: Of course, if that's what you want.

Me: Yeah, I mean, whatever you want.

This does not turn me on. It just makes me think, is this what we both want? And we get back on that circular talk again. Then I just want to go to sleep, or scream into my pillow in frustration, who even cares anymore?

I have started to just be more submissive from the get go. I don't know why I didn't think of this before. If I am already giving over my submission, it really leaves no choice but for him to be more dominant. Otherwise we would both just be laying there staring at each other, which gets sort of creepy and uncomfortable.

The culmination of this 'being more submissive experiment', in my opinion, was the butt plug at Targetincident. Because really what turned me on about this was my husband's dominance over the whole matter. It wasn't the butt plug, which started out hot, but got sort of uncomfortable and too much to take halfway through the trip. It was the events of leading up to the experience. The part that sent me over the edge and I found the hottest of this whole thing was him putting my clothes back in place and zipping and buttoning my jeans.

I remember thinking about it the day after, and that being my favorite part, and I am still trying to figure out why. It just made me feel taken care of. Like I had given up control over the whole situation and if my jeans were going to get buttoned- it had to be done by him (and thankfully he did, because that would have been an interesting shopping experience).

Also while we were out. Yes, the ever present butt plug was there, but my husband was by my side checking in with me. “You okay? Is it too much?” “Tell me if we need to leave.” It was just a different experience, our normal trips to Target we lose each other somewhere between the cereal aisle and the electronics section. This time, we were stuck together, we were in on a secret no one else was privy to. We were both anticipating getting home and getting on with more fun things!

In a nutshell, what I think the thing about submission is- is the trust. Giving yourself over completely to someone else's control and trusting that they will keep your best interests in mind.

Maybe I won't complain the next time he criticizes my driving, I'll just be thankful he's looking out for me... and maybe make him promise to spank me for speeding ;)

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