Friday, September 20, 2013

Round Table Discussion- Submission

Welcome to the second installment of the Round Table Discussion. So glad you decided to stop by! When you are done here please visit the main page on Spanking Romance and check out what everyone else is saying!

Submission- the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

This is the definition I got when I typed 'submission' into my google search bar. For whatever reason the terms 'superior force' and 'authority' make me tingly and I feel pretty safe in saying that I am not the only one who possesses this on button.

For me, I think submission is tied into the whole spanking kink that I have. Spanking is my thing, my ultimate fantasy, my immediate turn on, but I think it is part of a bigger whole of a Dominance and Submission thing. I'm not saying that I would want to be someone's sex slave and completely dominated 24/7- although, wait, I just let my mind wander there for a second and it was hot.

What I am saying is I don't mind a little dominance in my life from time to time, and in the bedroom, yes, I would like this ALL the time.
We don't practice Domestic Discipline, or have a D/s relationship. I like things on the kinky side and my husband is open minded and daring enough to indulge me. But how to you get someone to dominate you? I guess it helps to start off with a partner who likes to be in charge. The same controlling, stubbornness that makes me want to knock my head into a wall (or throw a remote) in real everyday life, is the same force that can have me weak at the knees in the bedroom.

But how to bring this up without sounding like a complete nut? “Hey, remember earlier when I was driving and you kept telling me I was: going the wrong way/speeding/not paying attention/making illegal turns? And I told you to shut your mouth, I knew what I was doing? Well, why don't we do that again, only naked, and not in the car?” Yeah, I know, it makes me sound like an insane person.

Asking him to spank me was one thing (I mean a very big, very scary thing), but I feel like trying to get him to take a more dominant role is trickier. It also doesn't even make sense, you can't make someone be dominant- it sort of defeats the purpose- like topping from the bottom. Also, trying to talk about it gets us nowhere. When I mention things like 'dominant' and 'submissive' my husband takes this to mean 'being an asshole' and 'being a pushover'. (And if you were wondering, yes, me telling him I thought he had a natural dominant nature made him think I was calling him an asshole- so that went over well.) Obviously we are not speaking the same language on this matter.

So in an effort to get over the weird bedroom talk such as :
Hubby: What should we do tonight?
Me: Spank me?
Hubby: Yeah, if that's want you want.
Me: Maybe some anal. If you want?
Hubby: Of course, if that's what you want.
Me: Yeah, I mean, whatever you want.
This does not turn me on. It just makes me think, is this what we both want? And we get back on that circular talk again. Then I just want to go to sleep, or scream into my pillow in frustration, who even cares anymore?

I have started to just be more submissive from the get go. I don't know why I didn't think of this before. If I am already giving over my submission, it really leaves no choice but for him to be more dominant. Otherwise we would both just be laying there staring at each other, which gets sort of creepy and uncomfortable.

The culmination of this 'being more submissive experiment', in my opinion, was the butt plug at Targetincident. Because really what turned me on about this was my husband's dominance over the whole matter. It wasn't the butt plug, which started out hot, but got sort of uncomfortable and too much to take halfway through the trip. It was the events of leading up to the experience. The part that sent me over the edge and I found the hottest of this whole thing was him putting my clothes back in place and zipping and buttoning my jeans.

I remember thinking about it the day after, and that being my favorite part, and I am still trying to figure out why. It just made me feel taken care of. Like I had given up control over the whole situation and if my jeans were going to get buttoned- it had to be done by him (and thankfully he did, because that would have been an interesting shopping experience).

Also while we were out. Yes, the ever present butt plug was there, but my husband was by my side checking in with me. “You okay? Is it too much?” “Tell me if we need to leave.” It was just a different experience, our normal trips to Target we lose each other somewhere between the cereal aisle and the electronics section. This time, we were stuck together, we were in on a secret no one else was privy to. We were both anticipating getting home and getting on with more fun things!

In a nutshell, what I think the thing about submission is- is the trust. Giving yourself over completely to someone else's control and trusting that they will keep your best interests in mind.

Maybe I won't complain the next time he criticizes my driving, I'll just be thankful he's looking out for me... and maybe make him promise to spank me for speeding ;)


  1. Love your take on this and so appreciate your honesty. You know I have this ideal in my mind and it's so not the reality. Your discussion in the bedroom - we have it too - then I get annoyed with him if he won't just step up. I mean really, many men would jump at the chance to have their wife ask them to 'spank me' wouldn't they? Ah well, I think we're all hardwired a certain way. Curious about the just submitting piece - leaving him no choice but to dominate. Will report back… :)

  2. As always, Casey, you offer a refreshing point of view. There has to be some degree submission if you want spanking, no doubt about it; but that doesn't mean you don't want to throw the remote when you feel criticised! I know exactly where you're coming from.

  3. Funny, touching post, Casey! I wish mine had been more like yours :)

    It's fascinating to hear so many takes on the same subject, each one an insight into a heart and soul, and a journey of self-discovery.

    I totally hear you about wishing your chap was more dominant! But I think that dialogue (hate that word) is the only way to achieve that, as silly and scary and frustrating as it might seem to say the words at the time. It's part of a process. Softly, softly, catchee monkey.

    Or, to put it in a more serious way, I don't think that expressing your desires should be thought of as topping from the bottom - though I understand why you might think that. I know what it feels like to want something and to feel that you're being demanding in wanting it.

    But I also know that just because something can be thought of as 'kinky' it doesn't mean that it isn't valid or important.

  4. A very interesting thought on your own sensuality and wantonness in the bedroom here. "Whatever you want" would be a dream to some I'm sure, and yet personally, my partner and I just love to express ourselves and our ideals always and that is part of the charm for us in our identities as Dominant and submissive and in our loving trust in each others needs and desires.

    I have always thought that "Spanking" per se' is one of the focal points for a majority of Dominant and submissive type relationships. You have the coveted submission in the spankee and of course the Dominance in the spanker. And when the novice begins exploring from this point, the ideals and attributes are so focal and I believe can lead to all the rest.

    I have read about many couples in the scene so to speak that like this and not that and yet, spanking is seldom on the negative list. Spanking is the Gateway to the rest for the majority in a loving, nurturing Dominant and submissive lifestyle relationship...

  5. There is a great article on the Taken in Hand site called Acting As If. In a nutshell it's about instead of waiting for them to be dominant for you to be submissive go ahead and act as if they already are. What better way to make strides into this state of mind; this area of being. I think you are onto something there. It not only calls up their natural dominance without being in any way pushy (the opposite of submissive) it also helps you practice being submissive in a totally non-threatening way.

    The other way to bring out the inner dominant is to react in a very good way (and you know what I mean) when he hits it right on the head or even when he gets close. Watch out for those mixed signals! That creates more confusion than anything else. I can be the queen of mixed signals.

    I have a feeling there will be more experiences like the Target experience to come. He has it in him! Oh, yes!

  6. Great post, Casey!
    I love your honesty, and can totally relate to the "wanting" part.

    I feel the same way, both in the bedroom and out of it.

    I love his dominance. But it is really hard to force it out of him sometimes. LOL, that should be a good example of topping from the bottom. :)

    Loved the Target story again! Mmmmmm
    My fingers are crossed for many more trips like that for you guys! :)

  7. hmm love reading your thoughts, your experimenting with it.

    in a way, it makes me glad that I already had a formed identity as a submissive and with my normal brashness, it didn't take much at all for my Master to know what I wanted :D

    I love that you mention the feeling of being cared for- it's amazing how often people who don't understand BDSM, D/s, DD etc don't see that "cared for" part of the equation.

  8. I love the "Let's do it all over again, naked and not in the car." You are so funny. Great post--I keep coming around to the realization that just being more submissive will call out his dominance. I think it's a beautiful approach.

  9. I really enjoyed the personal aspects or your post, Casey. The little conversation sounds at lot like when my husband and I are trying to decide where to go for dinner. You know that conversation?
    Hubby: What should we eat tonight?
    Me: Italian?
    Hubby: Yeah, if that's want you want.
    Me: Maybe some Chinese. If you want?
    Hubby: Of course, if that's what you want.
    Me: Yeah, I mean, whatever you want.

    When you're really saying, just make the call dammit!

    When it comes to D/s sex I think it would be best if we all channeled our inner Domme and told them how it needed to be up front. Why can't we just grab them by the ears and top from the bottom just once to say I want you to Dominate Me in the bedroom, all the time! I don't want to have to ask for it. I NEED you to take control and use me for your pleasure all the time, however you want and don't stop until I say "cumquat". Don't make me say this again. Oh, and by the way, honey, here is my limit list. Mix it up. Ready, set, go..., Sir.

  10. Thanks for the comments! I wish I could reply to each one, but I have no reply option- here is one big long reply.

    Many of you said it may not be 'topping from the bottom' just to say what I want. I will take that, it's normally not hard for me to express it, it just seems to get a bit jumbled when my goal is to be dominated but the way I am getting it to come about is by giving directions.
    Corinne- I love that you always have resources and you share them so willingly. I am looking up the Taken in Hand site later.

    Maddie- yes, we have that conversation 18 times a day. Over dinner options, what we should do later, what movie to go to... It annoys me in my house because my husband is asking for the input, but really just makes the decision, so why are we going through the song and dance? I think he just doesn't want the responsibility if it ends up being the wrong decision.