Friday, December 13, 2013

Round Table Discussion- DD

The lovely Corinne Alexander is hosting this round of Round Table Discussion. So glad you stopped by! Corinne picked the topic of Domestic Discipline to discuss today. I feel like this is definitely a hot topic in the spanking community.
I know I always have something to say about it. Mostly because I am intrigued with it and want to figure out what exactly it is all about. She posed a few questions that could help get us started.

  1. What appeals to you about DD?
  2. What does not appeal to you about DD?
  3. Do you practice any version of DD?
  4. What do you think are some common misconceptions of DD?
  5. If you practice any version of DD what have been the greatest joys it has brought to you?
  6. What are the greatest challenges?
I'm only focusing on the first three questions and I'm going to start with #3 (because I am a non-conformist, don't judge me). My husband and I do not practice DD. I thought I would like to, I still think I might like to try one day, but it's sort of a decision we need to make together and right now it is not something we are doing.
We've had conversations about it and I don't really think he can wrap his mind around it. Also, when I brought up the fact that he would be enforcing something we had both agreed upon, he is just sort of holding me to it and following through with consequences- he said it would never work. I would like to argue that fact, but in a way I think he's right. This brings me back to the Dominant/submissive conversation that was also a previous Round Table post and seems to always be a topic around here.
So me, not being very submissive, I can understand his reticence. Because in my mind I am thinking- We agree upon something I want to work on, like I won't drive while I'm talking on the phone, you know, because it's illegal. And I won't do it, because we made it a rule and it is for my safety and if I do happen to slip up or just blatantly do it out of no care for myself then he should spank me, yes?
But I know he is thinking, we would make this a rule and then I would break it and if he called me out on it I would be all like- I had important things to say! And important places to be! Multitasking! No cops were around, dude, chill. Because this is exactly how it would go, I know this, because it happens now and it's not exactly a 'rule' but I constantly get scolded for using my phone while driving, and these are all the excuses he hears. I do get bent out of shape and I do get my back up about it and no, I cannot really see myself submitting to a spanking, even though I know it's dumb and I shouldn't do it.
His second point is that I like to be spanked. And yes, this is 100% true. So he then thinks I would be breaking rules just to get him to spank me. Which my argument is, if I wanted him to spank me I would just ask him to, because I already do, so what would be so different?
He also doesn't understand that there is a difference between a spanking as fun and a spanking as punishment. We had a little weird scenario that sort of bordered on a sexy/but also scolding spanking a few weeks ago. The post is here, but long story short, I got super drunk and fell in the shower and he was pissed that I could have really hurt myself. Also, to get me to calm down and to stop hysterically apologizing he told me he was going to spank me. This was all new to us. Him telling me he was going to spank me for a reason other than sex and then following through with it. Which brings me to questions 1 and 2 (see I got there, just stick with me).
The feelings I had when this was all happening. I was having horrible horrible guilt for going completely off the rails (it was also his birthday- did I mention that?- yeah, I suck) and ruining our night. The fact that he would call me out on it made me feel a little bit better. I think it takes a lot to be honest with someone even when you know they probably don't want to hear it. If I had asked him- did I completely ruin our night? And he had responded- no it was fine! But silently stewed over it, we probably would have gotten into some weird passive-aggressive behavior. This is the way we work anyway. I will tell him when I think he is acting out of line or being a jerk, he will tell me when I am getting bitchy or drinking too much, isn't that the way it should be?
But the spanking added a whole new part to it, now there was a definite ending to the situation. An atonement of sorts. I mean, it felt like we were both kind of playing a role, and it turned into some kinky sex, but it was still a different thing than we normally do.
And I think that is what appeals to me about Domestic Discipline, it brings in defined roles and kind of clears the air of a would be argument.
This brings me to question #2, what doesn't appeal to me about Domestic Discipline. It's almost the same thing that I find appealing, I find unappealing the fact that my husband would be holding me to certain rules we had decided upon. I know- and now you're thinking- Hey crazy, didn't you just say that you would like that? Yes, and I never said I made sense. I just wonder if I wouldn't end up feeling resentful, because while my husband is super amazing, he is not infallible. So why would I be subjected to rules and consequences if he wasn't?
This doesn't mean I am knocking on couples who practice DD. I am not, at all. I think it is a lot to discuss and a lot to work out before you even get started. For the most part DD couples probably end up having stronger marriages because of all the communicating and discussing that needs to happen. As with a lot of things it is a lot of trial and error.
It always sounds so simple in books (as do most things), the more dominant partner is in charge and the submissive partner learns to love it. If the submissive is feisty and fights it a little it only ends up being a steamy, interesting story. In real life it's not so simple, not so cut and dry.

I'm not saying we would never practice some form of DD, because I never say never. And maybe in a way we already are, just not as clear cut. We're doing our own thing and figuring out what works for us and I think that's all you can ever really do.

Make sure you visit all the other posts this week as well, thanks for stopping by!


  1. As they say, never say never. Enjoyed your post and your insights.

  2. Youre making DD work for the two of you, and that's what it's all about. Maybe things will progress one day, give it time.. for now, it seems like you two are certainly on the right track. :)

  3. I think when trying to introduce a new dynamic into an already established relationship, you are very wise to move slowly and consider all the ramifications before proceeding. Skydiving indeed!

  4. DD is not for every couple, even when it seems appealing in a vaguely intriguing way. Some things are better kept as fantasies. I might want to learn to ski, but it's not in the cards for me at this stage in my life. Which brings me to the idea of stages. If DD is not right for you right now, at least you know it's an option for a different stage in your marital life. You both know, and knowledge is power. Good luck.

  5. Love your thoughts on Corinne's 1-3. it does take time to figure it all out, doesn't it? sounds like you and your husband are mostly enjoying the process :)

  6. I know this is a serious post but I have to say I am laughing my socks off.
    Well for one, you have a fabulous way of injecting humour into day to day situations, and especially into a topic that is mostly treated in an often overly serious manner, when humour could often be more inclusive.
    Secondly, the things you like being the things you hate!!! The confusion on the whole topic, Miss "I'm a modern woman with these odd desires that I can't quite reconcile," I totally get that. I think DD is incredibly sexy to read about, and it works absolutely brilliantly for some couples,but if you're a bit independent, a bit bratty, a bit bossy, plenty feminist and a lot honest, it won't always work day to day. Horses for courses. I look forward to hearing about your journey.

  7. Totally honest and it sounds like it's working for you. I read the Knowing Your Limits post - he threatens NOT to spank you if you're being annoying. I'm so not sharing that punishment with my husband. lol

  8. My feelings are quite similar to yours, Casey. Just not sure it could work for me, as much as it appeals...

  9. I loved your honesty, Casey!
    It is so difficult to be pulled in different directions.

    I have had a lot of confliction during our journey. I like certain things, but I don't like them.

    I totally get it!

    You guys have such a great relationship!

    Honesty and clear communication are so important! And you have that!!
    Please keep sharing your journey with us!

    I love your posts!

  10. I think what happened between you two with your shower scenario was special. It maybe showed how DD can work in certain situations. The idea of discipline is hot - as I've said 100 times before - but I'm in the same boat as you. But as you say, never say never. Who knows what we'll be saying in the coming months/years??

  11. Thanks for your post and your insights Casey! I love independent and sassy girls. You make some great points. While I get the occasional swats for bad behavior, I'm way too independent outside the BR to be much good at DD. But it is great that you're incorporating it in a way that works for you.

    Now stay off that phone! (Yeah, right. Lol)

  12. Thanks for all the comments :)
    Tara- I always manage to make you laugh, you get me!
    Leah- Yes! He will always say "Well that's no way to get a spanking." And it incenses me, and then it makes me look at how I'm acting and I stop, so it is effective, but it's sooo mean!
    Normandie- Luckily my husband loves independent and sassy girls too (or we'd have a problem). Yes, a lot of what we do stays mostly in the bedroom and that is good for us right now. Thanks for stopping by!

  13. Hey, books are different; you can't compare what goes on there with life. Everybody's trying what works for them, and it does sort of sound like you have DD, just not the fantasy. He provides at least some measure of discipline, even if it's not punishment spankings. He seems to know you'd like it too much. ;) But it sounds like you're both really in love and support each other, and actually seem from the reading to already communicate pretty darn well, so you sound like you're doing great, just making your own path! Maybe in the future you'll get him to get the punishment spanking down--but for now you seem totally understanding and content with the current situation. That's really awesome. Thanks so much for sharing, your post was a really neat, interesting read! :)

  14. I apologize for responding so late in the game. I think you are on to something when you said that you think DD couples have stronger marriages due to all the communication they do to make DD work. You are so right! I honestly think that is the key to making any relationship work weather it's DD or not. DD sort of forces you to communicate on a deeper level. You do have enormous amounts to work through in the beginning (and even throughout.) The clean slate & intimacy are pretty incredible as well. I think you are spot on with your reflections on the issues that would come up with DD for you. We went through exactly that. In the end we learned how to navigate our personality differences in DD. I think DD or not your relationship rocks, Casey! Keep being true to yourselves and you will have a healthy marriage no matter how you explore this thing we do or anything else!