Spanking is a sex thing, right? At least that is how I always thought of it for myself.
I daydream about it and it gets me hot. It's a sure fire turn on, and I will orgasm way quicker if there is a spanking prelude (you needed to know that, right?)
Yes, I have read blogs and chatted with friends who say that spanking and sex don't need to go hand in hand. They are different releases. But I thought, this is absolutely not true for me. If spanking is involved I want some sex, that it just how it works.
But something occurred a few days ago that makes me think perhaps the opposite is true.
I was in full on Christmas- decorating, cookie baking mode. As well as regular day off stuff (laundry, cleaning). I had my day planned out- I was going skating in the morning (which always clears my head and puts me in a good mood), then baking cookies, a little cleaning, laundry, and finish decorating the tree. This would leave my night free to relax and spend some time with my husband.
Sometimes things don't go according to plan: I did go skating, and while it was nice because I hadn't been since roller derby ended for the season in November, it did not have it's usual calming effect on me. Instead it made me feel like I had wasted half my day ignoring tasks that I just wanted to get done. I didn't want to necessarily DO them, I just wanted them finished.
Then I got caught up on the computer (serious time suck- should have never opened the laptop). Then a Christmas movie came on TV and I thought I should let myself destress a little and refocus, so I laid on the couch for a bit.
Now it is late afternoon and I am starting to feel anxious about having let the day slip by and not even starting on my list. I begin hanging ornaments and pulling out stuff to make cookies, grumbling all the while that I am not getting anything done.
My husband- to his credit- tried multiple times to ask me what he could help with. I kept brushing him off. Another thirty minutes of listening to me complain and angrily hang ornaments on the tree and he just began eyeing me warily and tip toeing around me.
Do you ever have those moments when you know you are being a little bit crazy, but you still can't stop yourself? Okay, no? Just me?
At this point it is 9pm. I just finished baking cookies. The tree is decorated. The laundry never got done and I feel like I want to cry. Day wasted. I am deflated and mad at myself. I am washing all the cookie baking stuff and slamming the dishes into the dish drainer.
Mr. McK comes into the kitchen as I am mid tantrum. He reaches around me and turns the water off, turns me around and pushes my back into the sink. I open my mouth to ask him what's up- but he kisses me hard. I am still holding a dripping wet measuring cup, that is now sort of sandwiched between us. He puts his hand down the front of my yoga pants, slips past my underwear and starts stroking my clit. I try to wiggle away- no foreplay, I am like hypersensitive for some reason. He just pushes me back into the counter harder and traps me with his body.
The immobility, the roughness, my nerves were on edge to begin with- I am crying out with an orgasm in no time. I slump against him, all of my muscles relaxing. He pulls back and looks at me, "Maybe that will fix your mood." He gives me a kiss and leaves the kitchen.
If this were a book this would have fixed me. I would have had a complete 180 in my mood and end of story, life is good. But this is not a book.
I stand there in a daze for a few seconds. Then I am right back into high anxiety mode. Am I supposed to reciprocate?
I come back into the living room and he is laying on the couch watching some sports documentary or something.
I have a few minutes to come down from my high and I am right back into a crappy mood. And I know what I want. I know what I am craving. I am a bundle of anxiety and yes, I was super horny before, but now that problem is gone. I really want to be spanked. I feel like I need it. I finally understand what everyone else is talking about. This has nothing to do with sex, this is an emotional thing. But I can't bring myself to ask for it.
Fear of rejection. I'm afraid he'll look at me like I'm nuts (which is dumb, because I have obviously asked for him to spank me before- but this feels different). So instead of voicing any opinion, stating any kind of need, or even thanking him for the drive by orgasm- I just sit and stew in silence until he finally decides he has had enough of my surliness and goes to bed.
Yes, it was a shit day with a shitty ending to my night. All my fault, and no one to blame but myself. But I understand the spanking with no sex thing now. The absolute craving for that release from a spanking, without needing the sex involved.
Maybe one day I will be able to voice my needs instead of taking it out on my dirty dishes.