Monday, August 5, 2013

Parental Guidance Strongly Discouraged


    We went to the movies yesterday and saw The To Do List. It was very funny. It was also extremely raunchy. The premise of the movie is this nerdy girl graduates high school and decides she doesn't want to go to college sexually inexperienced so she creates a 'to do list' of sex acts. Really, I don't know how you read that synopsis and think “I'm going to take my mom to see this.” But someone did, or someone didn't read the synopsis.
     It's a Sunday afternoon, about 2 pm, there are about eight other people in this theater besides me and my husband. The credits are rolling, the lights come up, I am still snickering over some stupid joke and my husband goes, “Oh no, that kid just watched this movie with his mom?” (He says KID, but he was probably in his early 20's... God, we're old.) We couldn't hear what they were saying, but the awkwardness was oozing off of them. I can't say I envied this guy, I also can't say I have never been in this situation.

     We've all been there, right? Somehow, some way, you end up engrossed in a movie with an entirely inappropriate scene and you happen to be sitting 3 feet away from your mom, or your dad, or your in-laws... my palms are sweaty just thinking about it.
     I think we should lobby for some warning labels. You know, PG is Parental Guidance, perhaps there could be a HS- Hot Sex, or CBA- this Could Be Awkward. Well until the movie industry comes up with something like that I will just have to share some coping techniques.

1. Let's Never Speak of This Again
Movie: The Black Swan. It's artsy! It's about ballet! It's Oscar nominated! So when my father-in-law suggested going to see Tron with my husband and brother-in-law, my mother-in-law suggested The Black Swan for us. All was well, and then the plot got weird and I am trying to figure out what's going on. And then Mila Kunis goes down on Natalie Portman, umm, wait, what?
I can almost feel my mother-in-law tense up beside me. She is the most straight-laced woman I know. She's an elementary school librarian for Christ's sake! And now I am watching some girl on girl action with her. I think I stopped breathing. Thank God the theater was dark because I am pretty sure I was blushing furiously. My husband thinks this is the funniest story, yeah, because he wasn't there! But my mother-in-law and I now have an unspoken rule, we never, ever talk about The Black Swan.

2. It's Happening, Get Over It
Movie: Unfaithful. Why I thought this was a good movie to watch with my mom, I have no clue. I was like that kid taking his mom to The To Do List. The entire movie is lots of sex. There is a particularly hot scene where Diane Lane gets banged in a bathroom stall and I distinctly remember my mom leaning over to me right after it ended. She whispers, very loudly, “Oh my! That was hot! Right?” I. Wanted. To Die. But maybe she was as uncomfortable as me. And it was already happening, may as well address it and move on.

3. Avoid Eye Contact
Movie: A History of Violence. Viggo Mortensen is a small town guy with a shady past. Harmless movie to watch with the boyfriend and his parents, right? Wrong. There is an intense scene where Viggo Mortensen is arguing with his onscreen wife, Maria Bello, and the only way I can describe what happens next is angry-stair-sex. It's a super intense, super hot scene (my husband thinks it seems rape-y, but it's totally not) and you really don't want to be in the same room as your boyfriend's parents. This happened to a girl I work with. She said they all just stared at the floor and no one made eye contact for the rest of the night.

4. Remove Yourself from the Situation
Movie: Munich. Based on a true story, it's about an Israeli group retaliating after the attack at the 1972 Summer Olympics. How could this possibly be an awkward movie to watch with parents? It's factual, it's more action than anything. Oh, and then there is this insane hate-sex scene towards the end of the movie. One of my friends was watching this with her mom and aunt. She simply just got up and went to bed.

And there you have it. Four easy-breezy ways to deal with the ever awkward movie sex scene with your parents (or adult children). We can get through this together!


  1. *snicker* Yeah, had a few of those myself and i like the idea of the warning labels. CBA- this Could Be Awkward - yeah describes my face as a teenager a lot.

    Now i want to see "A history of violence" No, not the full movie - just the stair sex scene. I'd invite my mother over to watch it but her take on any sex scene is the following:

    "If I'm not in it, I don't want to watch it."

    You can imagine the look on my face the first time I heard that.

  2. LOL, Casey.

    This has happened several times throughout my life.

    Mostly involving my parents trying to explain, or even worse, reenact romantic scenes from movies when I was a teenager.


    I love Thianna's mom!

  3. Oh boy, inappropriate movies/shows to watch with your parents. I think we've all had that misfortune. I sat through a show with my parents (my friends treated us) that turned out to include topless dancing. Um. Yes.

    About Black Swan...the movie poster didn't tip you off? :)

  4. What?? What happened on the movie poster? I am going to google this now.

  5. Casey, you are so funny. I can't remember if I posted about this, but somehow I ended up watching The Red Violin with my 7 year old, mom, and mother-in-law and when my daughter asked why the character was taking her clothes off, my mil answered, probably to take a bath... and then she asked what she was doing to that man, and I turned into Beavis and Butthead. heh heh. heh.

  6. I think you're destined to have weird situations come up in your life! And I'm with Ana- The Black Swan - you had no idea from the images? I have to say, if you're going to watch someone go down on someone else - Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis are probably two of the most beautiful women out there. With them, it would be art. Still not art I'd want to see with my MIL...

  7. Why did everyone else realize this about The Black Swan? Now I feel like a big idiot.
    Thianna- Your mom sounds awesome.

    Kate- They acted out scenes?? For real? I am cringing just thinking about it!

    Ana- A topless show? With your parents? Nope, don't want to even think about it. LOL.

    Renee- You are cracking me up!

    Natasha- Believe me, I was totally fine with The Black Swan scene, I'd rather watch that again than Winona Ryder stabbing herself in the cheek with a nail file! It was the proximity of my MIL.

  8. I had forgotten all about the awkwardness of watching movies with my parents that turned out to have racy bits! Ah yes, I remember the embarrassment. I was little when the whole family went to see Rosemary's Baby. I personally don't remember the sex parts, but I do remember how pissed my grandmother was that my mother had taken me to see it.

  9. Glad I could refresh your memory, Cara! :)

  10. Honestly I got to where you said Viggo and angry stair sex. Did you ... write something after that? ;)

    (Hee, great post, Casey!)

  11. Thanks Sheri! Nope nothing at all after that, you got all the good parts :)