Did you know May is masturbation month?? I wasn't aware this was a thing until a few years ago. Who doesn't like a little self-love? I, myself, am a huge fan.
Writing is not my full time job, but it is my passion. And I happen to write some smutty stuff, and a lot of times it gets me pretty hot.
Do not judge me. I'm calling it a hazard of the job, how on Earth can I write some hot spanky scenes without getting myself all hot and bothered? So yes, once I meet a writing goal, I let myself indulge.
There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with masturbation and in fact, I believe I have been taking care of business before I even officially knew what I was doing. I'm not ashamed and I think it is natural and normal and don't mind admitting it.
But it still doesn't mean I want to get caught in the act.
One day a few weeks ago I was writing away and set up a little goal-oriented system. Get the word count done and then I would allot some time for myself. I'm a morning person and I get up early even on my days off so I can write when I am at my best. I'm also a morning horny person. Unfortunately, I married a night owl who doesn't even make coherent sentences until he's been awake for at least an hour, has had a shower, and maybe a bowl of cereal. Morning sex is never an option. Unless you consider 3am morning, which I don't, that's still nighttime.
Anyway, I thought I still had enough time in my morning to write and get down to business. I wasn't quite finished with the writing but I heard my sweet, unsuspecting husband get up and get into the shower. I made the executive decision to scrap my goals and hop on over to spankingtube.
I'm really trying to figure out why this did embarrass me so much. I've had all kinds of kinky sex with this man, I've admitted my deepest darkest secrets to him, and I love him with all of my entire being. He has never been anything but sweet and understanding and non-judgemental about my wants and needs.
So why did this send me scurrying out of the room?
Sure it's super hot for my husband to whisper "Touch yourself" while we are doing all kinds of illicit activities. But that's different.
This was... embarrassing.
But I can't help feeling a little bit ridiculous that I am embarrassed about it. I thought I was completely open and self-aware and just comfortable with everything, but suddenly I felt like a horny teenager holed up in my bedroom worrying that everyone in the house knew what I was up to and was judging me for it.
It's not like I thought he would shame me. If anything he probably would have laughed and asked what I was up to. I realize now that it didn't have anything to do with him. It came from somewhere inside. That what I was doing was shameful and dirty and I shouldn't have been doing it.
And all this time I thought I didn't live my life by these stigmas anymore. And I think it is a stigma, it's something our society has deemed as dirty and illicit. Masturbation gets a bad wrap. Nevermind a woman masturbating AND watching porn.
But why? It's good stress relief. It's healthy to stay in tune with your body. And I think setting goals is a very adult thing (I realize I may be one of the only people in the world who uses masturbation as a reward, but don't knock it til you try it).
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what made me so embarrassed. I've masturbated in front of my husband before. Sure, it was during sex, and probably at his request, but it's not like he's never seen me touch myself. I fessed up later on that day, mostly because my reaction was bothering me.
My husband was unmoved and not at all surprised to hear I was masturbating in the living room. Things that probably would have surprised him more: declaring I had become a vegetarian, telling him I folded all the laundry, asking him if he'd like to join me for a run.
In the six years we've been married, I don't think I could admit to anything that would shock this man. At least sexually speaking. I think he's always ready for something and he doesn't mind rolling with it, which might be why we work so well together.
So I asked what he would have done if I hadn't stopped what I was doing and continued on until I had reached orgasm. "Well, obviously, I wouldn't have bothered you. You gotta do you," was his reply.
He makes me smile.
But really, I've admitted so many things and asked him to spank me, tie me up, engage in anal sex, and push boundaries with me in every sense of the word. But a little Saturday morning masturbation has me blushing like a guilty schoolgirl?
I think we need to lose the shame. There is nothing shameful about masturbating. I'm not saying that everyone should just feel free to satisfy their own needs in a public setting. But in my own home, where the only person who might happen upon me is the person I am in a wholly committed relationship with? Where's the shame in that?
You gotta do you.