Saturday, April 2, 2016

I'm Not Sorry

Recently, I was out with my cousin. She's the same age as me, she's married to a great guy and has two adorable and sweet little kids. She's involved in the PTA and was regaling me with a story about a crazy mom who brought vegan cupcakes to school and refused to offer any of the kids regular cupcakes.

Then she brought up how all the mom's at the bus stop bitch about their husbands. I don't have kids, so I don't frequent school bus stops, but I have been involved in conversations with other women where all they do is bitch about their significant others.

"I don't have anything to complain about," my cousin admitted, almost apologetically. "Sometimes I try to think of something just so I can contribute to the conversation."

I've been in similar situations with the women at work. One of my co-workers said one time, "Oh, don't bitch to Casey, she actually likes her husband. She's weird."

It makes me sad that that makes me weird. Why is it weird to like your spouse? And why do women who have happy marriages feel like they have to apologize for it?

This particular conversation my cousin was telling me about stemmed from bath time. Apparently this is a hot topic with the bus stop moms. They have husbands who refuse to help with bath time. There was a PTA meeting that week and one mom was lamenting that if it ran late again she'd have to rush home to get her kid into the bath and into bed on time.

"I don't have to ask for Mike's help, he just gets the kids into the bath if I'm not home," my cousin went on. "Actually, as long as we're both home, we do bath time together. It's kind of our thing. We've never talked about it, we just always have. It's our routine."

This brought on some heart-tugging imagery I conjured up of my cousin and her little family all piled into their bathroom together. And really, her son is six and growing up fast. How much longer is he going to want to bathe with his little sister? I told her to hang on to these moments and I decided right there on the spot that I wanted that too. 

"I'm afraid to admit how good I have it," she said.

"Why? I think you should just tell them."  

"And be the source of marital discord in the neighborhood?"

But why should we be hiding our good relationships like skeletons in the closet? I stopped apologizing for the fact that my husband makes me dinner every night. Or that I'd rather hang out with him than have a "girl's night". 

There is some debate about what the divorce rate actually is nowadays. You hear 50% tossed around a lot. That half of all marriages are doomed to end in divorce (or maybe not doomed, maybe it's for the best for those people). This article I found argues that it might actually be declining. 

Whatever the case may be—if someone unhappy in their marriage feels completely at ease to air their grievances in a semi public social setting, why should someone on the opposite end of the spectrum feel like they can't speak up?

A lot of times you'll get criticized for not saying anything at all. My husband told me that he's been involved in more than one conversation with other men bitching about their wives and the lack of sex in their marriages. Mr. McKay just doesn't say anything one way or the other and it always gets noticed, comments like, "Oh, nothing to add? Guess you're a lucky man," get tossed his way. And much like my cousin with the bus stop moms, he felt the need to apologize.

I know that not long ago in our society, people weren't encouraged to talk about their problems and their bad relationships. I am happy that this stigma has fallen away, I think people should be able to talk about whatever they need to talk about. I don't think a failed marriage is something that should be hidden in shame or kept a secret. But I also don't think that those of us in happy marriages should feel apologetic about it.

I'm not saying my marriage is perfect, or that my husband is perfect. We fight. We argue about dumb things and we don't see eye to eye on every single thing in life. Just this week I flew into a hangry hissy fit that he ate all of the leftover corned beef hash on me while I was at work. Sure, he made it to begin with. Sure, there was nothing else to eat in the house. But a text is all I ask for, otherwise I come home wanting to eat something that isn't there! 

See? We have problems too.

All joking aside, we love each other and we genuinely like each other. He's my favorite person and he makes me happy. 

If you ask me, I'm going to tell you. And I'm not sorry about that.


22 comments:

  1. I like my guy too. We've worked hard to get where we are and I'm not sorry. I don't trash him (unless it's to a close friend who gets us and knows I'm just venting). Great post.

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    1. Marriage is hard work and it's good to be proud of making it work. Thanks for stopping by!

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  2. loved this post so much, Casey. You guys are awesome!

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  3. Hi Casey<You still eating that corned beef!!lol. am glad you are so happy.
    Seriously we too are the odd ones out round here. Only the other day our youngest and his fiancee (the best dil in the world, just saying...) said they want to base their marriage on ours. he said we were like sickening love birds! I cried, I am a lucky mum and a very lucky wife. I am sure one day when you are our age, if you have kids they will feel the same
    love Jan, xx

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    1. We are still eating corned beef! It's just about gone though. I love that your son and DIL want to be just like you :) Thanks Jan.

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  4. Corinne AlexanderApril 2, 2016 at 2:01 PM

    Love this post!! I agree completely!

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  5. Fantastic! It's nice to hear GOOD things about marriage... I didn't want to get married because I heard only awful things about it. But I freaking love being married to my Justin. :D

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    1. It is a downer to hear people complain about being married all the time. I agree, I love being married too :)

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  6. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. When he was in the military, he defended me to a lot of his co-workers who were complaining about their wives. He would tell them that WE chose for me to stay home with the kids and that it was a difficult job. Not that it wasn't rewarding, but my husband was deployed a lot and we were 12 hours from family and I was it. I tell everyone what a wonderful guy he is! Not that our marriage is perfect, but I love him and he loves me! We just celebrated 29 years of marriage!

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    1. Congratulations on 29 years! That's awesome. I love that your husband has your back.

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  7. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. When he was in the military, he defended me to a lot of his co-workers who were complaining about their wives. He would tell them that WE chose for me to stay home with the kids and that it was a difficult job. Not that it wasn't rewarding, but my husband was deployed a lot and we were 12 hours from family and I was it. I tell everyone what a wonderful guy he is! Not that our marriage is perfect, but I love him and he loves me! We just celebrated 29 years of marriage!

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  8. Thank you! I'm not married, but pretty much everyone else in my circle is, and there have been times when I've found myself wondering if marriage was as horrible as they made it out to be, why even get married? Or more to the point, if her husband is that bad why did she marry him in the first place? It just all seems so negative sometimes. I'm glad to hear people speak up that it's not always that way

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    1. I think sometimes it's easier to focus on the negative for people. I don't know why that is, but it can become uncomfortable for other people. I'm glad you enjoyed my post!

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  9. This is the worst advice!
    All your cousin had to do was nod and say, "Wow, I'm sorry to hear that" - a little sympathy never hurt anyone.
    I have a great relationship and I love my husband. I understand the social situations of when to bring it up. When someone else is complaining - that's NOT the right time to talk about how happy I am.
    I would NEVER think about bragging about it, in front of someone going through such hardship!
    And if these women are constantly bitching about the same thing over and over again, it really seems negative. I would just ignore it.
    If someone is truly going through a hard time in their marriage, it would be pretty horrible to have someone blurt out, "Well my husband's great! He always does the dishes."
    Wow ... have some compassion for others who are less fortunate than you are.

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    1. I'm sorry you feel that way. I think you may have misunderstood my post, I never advised anyone to rub it in anyone else's face that they have a better marriage than them, that would be horrible.

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  10. High divorce statistics are a GOOD thing I reckon. I doubt the number of people entering into potentially unhappy marriages has changed much over the last few centuries. But now people can move on and start again rather than resigning themselves to a lifetime of unhappiness.

    Not that I know anything about this sort of thing, really. I am a confirmed spinster. And as a single mum, I ALWAYS did bath time.

    I spend a lot of time on the Mumsnet forums. There are an awful lot of people stuck in unhappy relationships. I completely disagree with the previous poster's comment: "If someone is truly going through a hard time in their marriage, it would be pretty horrible to have someone blurt out, "Well my husband's great! He always does the dishes."

    I think that if someone is genuinely in a shitty relationship then it IS helpful to remind people that it doesn't have to be that way. People accept horrible situations as being normal. This Mumsnet thread sums it up pretty well: http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

    And I am strong believer in always, always counting your blessings. Enjoy your lovely marriage Mr and Mrs McKay! You seem like an awesome couple.

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    1. Thanks for sharing the link to that post. It IS true that you usually only hear about bad relationships. I do think its a good thing to talk about good relationships and it doesn't sound like bragging. Thanks, Etta :)

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  11. Casey! Once more, your life and mine are so similar. I have a GREAT husband, and we not only love each other but we really like each other too. :)

    In the second house that we lived in, there was a family that lived next door that was... troubled. The husband/dad would disappear for days at a time (at least once, for over a week) for no reason; the wife/mom worked very challenging hours (I think she was third shift at a 24-hour restaurant), and wasn't available most of the time when she was home. We got to know the teenaged kids better than either mom or dad, and they were a handful as well.

    One time, my husband was invited to go do something all day on a Saturday (I think it was going fishing), and my teenaged neighbor girl asked me: "Where's the 'old man'?"

    I told her he was gone for the day. She nodded, affected a cool smile, and said knowingly, "Ohhh... thank god, right?"

    I just stared at her for a minute, and said, "NO! I wish he were here. I miss him terribly. I hate that we're apart on a day he's usually at home—but I'm thrilled for him, that he gets to have fun with his friends."

    She was astonished. I almost got the impression that she had *never* seen a happy marriage before. I'm glad that I got to show her one.

    And Casey: I'm so glad that your marriage is a happy one, too.

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