Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I'm Not the Same Girl I Used to Be

Did spanking give me confidence?

This is the question I have been asking myself for the past week.

I never thought of myself as someone who lacked confidence. Yes, I have always wanted people to like me. I have always been nervous meeting new people. But that's just normal human stuff, right? I never thought of myself as needing more confidence. I am hardly a doormat and never have been.

One of my friends on facebook created a private group for my graduating college class- ten years later. 

So began the thread- "What have you all been up to?" What have I been up to?

Suddenly I am sent back in time to a younger, earlier version of myself where my palms are sweating and I am trying to think of the right way to answer this question because these people are judging me. They ARE judging me!

Then present version of me says to younger version of me, "They aren't judging you, and you have nothing to be ashamed of, you have a damn good life."

Facebook stalking my former classmates and reading their banter back and forth hurtled me back in time. I am embarrassed to say I was always trying so hard to get them to like me. To the point where I don't really think I was even being me.

I mentioned this to my husband. Something to the effect of- I don't think these people would even know me anymore, I think I changed a lot.

Do you know what he said, he is so wise, "Of course you changed. That was ten years ago. Who hasn't changed in ten years?"

Then I asked him how he thinks I have changed specifically. I wasn't sure if he would answer, even to my ears it sounded like a possible trap question. But I don't ask questions unless I want honest answers and he knows that about me by now. So he thought about it for a minute or two and then he said:

"You're way more confident."

Surprise- I am? 

"Yeah, and much happier."

Interesting. What could be making me so much more confident and happy? What are the things in my life that have changed in the past ten years?

Really, my husband was talking more about the last year. So even from a year ago at this point he thinks I am way more confident and happy.

Which is weird because I always considered myself a confident and happy person, but I guess now I am even more so.

So what is the change?

My husband says writing. It makes sense. It's a creative outlet, I write almost everyday. Before I dabbled here and there but never really gave myself the time, now I do.

I go back to: Is it the spanking?

Okay, maybe not the actual act of spanking (although, that does make me pretty damn happy).

But knowing what I like and having those needs met? Maybe it's the whole community that comes along with it.

Weird, that I found myself under a pen name. There's some food for thought.

I used to be under the impression that I bloomed in college, looking back now, I know I was wrong. I think I am blossoming now, ten years later, and I don't know if I am done yet.


  1. What a wonderful post, Casey. I have a parallel experience, though because of my life-situation I have to keep things more separated even than most spanking fic authors. Nevertheless knowing people like you and all my wonderful new friends and colleagues seems to have made me feel so much more like who I'm supposed to be than I ever have before.

  2. I think it's the last things. The writing is huge and then coming out more huge and the whole community piece is gigantic. I just read that back and wondered for a moment about my writing ability...but I'm talking here.

    Anyhow, I know all of these things are so important for me and in a way, I define at least some part of myself here. I know what he means about confidence and I'm in the same boat as you. It's very cool and I'm happy to know you. :)

  3. Life is a process and we grow into ourselves. In ten more years, you'll be even more happy and confident.

  4. Loved the post, Casey :) I think for all of us, confidence can be a tricky thing. I'm often suprised by comments about how honest I am, how confident I am, at least as I behave online. I don't use a pen name and I'm very "what you see is what you get." That said, it amuses my Master and our teen to no end that I can talk to anyone, tell a guy off who irritates me, but if I'm attracted to a woman, I fall apart- a 12 year old boy has more confidence.

  5. Emily- Only my husband knows about my writing, so my life is pretty separate as well. Yes, knowing all my online friends has opened me up!

    N- Huge, huge, and gigantic are good descriptive words :)I'm happy to know you too.

    Thanks Cara, I think you're right!

    Joelle- It is strange the sort of things that can squash our confidence, isn't it?

  6. People can bloom at any time, any age. I started to blossom in my late 30s... yes, right around the same time I came out as a spanko. :-)

    Did it make me feel more confident? Maybe. When I feel accepted, like I belong somewhere, my confidence is at its peak.

  7. Great post, Casey, with so much insight and so many things to identify with. The younger Casey trying so hard to make people like her that she (kind of) stopped being herself? I know EXACTLY what you mean with that. I love that you are happier and more confident now, and that the change came as a sneaky and pleasant surprise. I'm not an expert in peopleology, but I guess our conscious idea of ourselves needs to be updated every now and then, to bring it up to speed.

    I think our self-image/esteem/confidence is a bit like our conception of age... it can be difficult to view them objectively in the present, or perhaps to feel them in a more comprehensive context, as they're (naturally) as close as close can be. I'm the oldest I've ever been! And I feel it sometimes, lol. But I bet this age won't seem so old when I'm twenty years older.

    Does that make any sense? Possibly not. The important thing is that life is a process, as Cara says. May you always keep blossoming xoxo

  8. This is so beautiful and well written! Gave me lots to think about! Thanks, Casey!

  9. Nice post, Casey. I bet it's a combination of all those things. Made me smile to read about how happy you are now. Good for you.

  10. I always love your blog, sometimes it's because it makes me laugh, but to tell the truth, I think the thing I like best is how refreshingly honest you always are. You have a way at getting to the heart of the matter.
    Maybe it's not the spanking or the writing per say, but that you have found ways that enrich your life and make you a happier you.

    Whatever it is, congratulations and well done.

  11. Great post Casey ... I think the older we get the less we care about so many things. Wait til you get to be my age. I went a little "crazy" in some people's view, I'm sure, but I don't give a flying fuck anymore. In a good way.

  12. I think it is the liberation of writing what you like. I was just talking to my bestie tonight and she noticed that I no longer take family dramas to heart the way I used. I know that is true and it is because I can turn to my writing and before you know it the drama has blown over!