Friday, November 8, 2013

How Do You Get a Feminist to Spank You?

I've never really described myself as a feminist but I think that is mostly because I am in my early 30's and I am a woman... how could I not be a feminist? No one ever asked before so I never told them.

Someone gave me flack about taking my husband's name after we were married. I thought it was strange for this person to accuse me of being anti-feminist because I changed my last name. Their argument was it was an antiquated tradition. Well the reason was I grew up with an Italian last name that no one could pronounce. Let me also say that I do not look Italian at all, so to take my husband's Irish, easy to pronounce and spell, last name seemed like a nice way to simplify things.

Accusing me of being anti-feminist when you don't even know my reasons is pretty ignorant. Accusing anyone of standing for or against something without knowing their reasons is also judgmental. I didn't view my taking my husband's last name as anti-feminist because I know I am not, just like asking my husband to spank me does not feel anti-feminist to me. In both cases it was my decision. I am the one who initiated both things.

I will tell you the problem I have with feminism in a relationship where you are trying to integrate spanking. When you have a man as the spanker and he is asked to spank the female (as is my case) and he is a feminist and it just doesn't seem right to him.

When I first revealed my spanking kink to my husband he was quick to reassure me that he didn't think I was weird and that he was totally okay with it. Great! I tell him what I want, he's okay with it, this should be easy!

Wrong. Very wrong. It seems we both had different ideas of what 'spanking' meant. To my husband this was smacking me once or twice while we were having sex. Although, I will take it where I can get it, this is not really what I meant. So after talking to him, trying to express a little more of what I wanted, reassuring him that I at least wanted to try, and still getting nowhere- I realized our problem. My husband, stubborn and commanding as he can be in everyday life, very much would leave anything going on in the bedroom up to me. This has been since forever. We met in high school when I was a sweet, innocent, good girl. And I stayed that way, mostly because my husband never pressed anything. Things only progressed when I took them to another level, he was never the initiator. It was drilled into his head from a young age to be nice to girls. Not to take advantage, not to make them feel less than him, always listen to them, and treat them as equals.

This is great. This was especially great when we were younger and I never felt like things were going to go further than I was comfortable with. If I started to get freaked out or nervous I trusted him to stop and he did, I could always count on him to put my needs first. I am sure this is what led to me marrying him. We are a team, we are equals, he listens when I have something to say. Sure, he makes a lot of the decisions, mostly because I don't want to, or I ask him to, but that is just how we work. He has the more dominant personality... until we get in the bedroom.

So how do you get a feminist to spank you? By asking very nicely. And reassuring that this is not changing anything between you. It's been a lot of talking, and a lot of communicating, and I think we are making a lot of headway.

There have been a few blips. Like when we decided to try some implements out instead of just his hand. Apparently the wooden spoon was not a good one to start with. We weren't very far when I squeaked out an “Ow!”

And we were done. He completely shut down. He couldn't get over the fact that he had hurt me. Even though I tried to explain multiple times that it didn't really hurt, there was no lasting damage, and I asked him to do it. I told him it was okay and his response was, “No, it's not okay.”

He looked so guilt ridden it made me feel awful. Ending our night with him feeling guilty for hurting me and me feeling guilty for asking him to was not really how I had planned things to turn out. So we talked about it, and talked some more. And emailed about it (yes, we emailed about it). It came down to this- he feels like a jerk when he takes the lead in the bedroom (apparently this same feeling does not kick in when he is criticizing the way I drive- but that is neither here nor there), but I feel turned on when he takes over.

I have made it clear that what happens in the bedroom (or the living or bathroom for that matter) has no bearing on my view of him. I know I am his equal, we are a team, but I am giving him all control sexually and I love it. It's been baby steps. He doesn't stop anymore if I say “ow” (although I would rather bite my lip until I draw blood than say that again). But now he will just respond with a “Sorry,” and “do you want me to stop?” And we take it from there. Sometimes I say yes, stop, other times (most times) I say no, don't stop yet!

I think I'd rather take my feminist husband that I have to convince and cajole into spanking me rather than a caveman type that would bulldoze me. But every couple is different and every relationship works differently. We're still figuring out what works for us and I hope we never stop experimenting.

Please visit all the other blogs too. And you have anything to add or any comments you want make- they are strongly encouraged!


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  2. The reassuring and communication are key, that sounds like the way to handle it.

    BTW, I loved this line: "Although, I will take it where I can get it, this is not really what I meant." Made me smile. I love your writing, it just flows and it is so much fun to read.

    Great post, Casey, and thank you for the fascinating topic/hosting!

  3. There are so many layers to the discussion now that weren't there in earlier times, and I think it's great! It's natural we all need reassurance that we can try a dynamic without getting involved in older roles that had the potential for abuse. It sounds like what you and your husband do works well for both of you.

  4. Your post is interesting. It makes me think that maybe men are more aware of this 'feminist' label or the ideas that go with equality than we are. I take it for granted and I think along the same lines as you. Interesting point to bring up. You are tickling my brain...

  5. Very interesting how you work communication for you. I had to giggle at you rather biting your lip than saw ow again. Funny thing, as "hardcore" as my Master and I might seem to outsiders looking at us, me saying "ow" is as good as a safeword- which we don't actually have :D. thanks for sharing your experience.

  6. This: "But every couple is different and every relationship works differently. We're still figuring out what works for us and I hope we never stop experimenting."

    I think that's something a lot of people don't understand, and you summed it up nicely. Great post, Casey!

  7. Thanks for sharing, Casey. This is an interesting perspective. I think "outsiders" assume it's all on the man who wants to spank and then convinces the woman to go along with it.
    P.S. I like that you communicate by email sometimes. Whatever method works.

  8. I think you really hit the nail on the head with the feminist dilemma in spanking relationships. I can't tell you how many women experience the same frustration! One one hand it's incredibly nice to know that our men love us so very much & cherish us enough to consider our well being to this degree. On the other hand it is frustrating as hell when all you want is for them to haul you over their knee! Chances are very good that if our husbands were the cavemen type we would not be with them to begin with. So there is something that we love about our feminist husbands. Now that they have proven their trustworthiness we are ready to dive into our deepest spanking fantasies! They just need to catch up. I bet their heads are spinning. No, really though, I think that many times men are the biggest feminists and women take it for granted at times. They have a harder time turning it off because if they hurt us it's on their conscience. It just takes a lot of communication and baby steps. You will get there though and so will I!

  9. Wonderful post, Casey! And a great read for anyone who might be trying to get their partner to be a little kinky.

    Thanks so much for sharing this!

    And I loved this:

    "It came down to this- he feels like a jerk when he takes the lead in the bedroom (apparently this same feeling does not kick in when he is criticizing the way I drive- but that is neither here nor there),"


  10. And, btw, I don't get why changing one's name is giving in to anything. It is a choice.

    Have you ever noticed that when you choose to do the opposite of what one person believes in, they call it 'giving in'? As if it wasn't an actual choice on your part.

  11. Reading your post transported me back to our national (elementary perhaps? Age 4-12) school. It was a mixed school, in the counrtyside with a few pretty rough lads. nw and then they might have an altercation with one of the girsl and I can still hear the master, as we used to call him saying these words, quoted verbatim, "Any boy who hits a girl is a coward". He's probably heard similar words at home too.

    Roll on twenty years: he's married and his wife says she wants to be spanked. It's a whole lotta baggage to be dropped just like that. And whatever about hurting an annoying girl in the schoolyard, he definitely won't want to hurt the person he's supposed to love and cherish.

    Yeah, it's not easy to get a feminist to spank you, but it's a measure of his love that he wants to please you enough to relearn everything he's been taught.

    That was a great post Casey, and shows the difficulty many men face when faced with a spanko wife. Sometimes its not the women who grapple with the feminist issue but the men.

  12. Communication makes all the difference in a partnership. While my husband could in no way be considered a feminist (he's over 50, just like me), he has also been married to two strong and independent women. He respects my opinion and gives me a voice in our relationship, even though I rely upon him to make many of the decisions. Life is different for younger people these days. As a woman with daughters, I wish it was something I was more familiar with so I could impart some wisdom, but I think we're all kind of making it up as we go along. You've got a good situation going, Casey. Keep it up.

  13. Thanks for all the lovely comments. I am really having fun with these discussions!

  14. Yes, I'm still working on getting a spanking that actually hurts too. :) But I'm with you, better than having a cave man! Loved your post, as always.

  15. Really interesting and honest post, Casey, thank you :)

    I focused entirely on the woman/spankee's POV in my own post and you do a much better job of looking at the whole picture by including your husband's thoughts and feelings as well as your own.

    I love that he could never hurt you, even if that means getting a damn good hiding is made more difficult. I can only echo the suggestion that communication will help you get to where you want to be.

    Tell him that you want to be spanked so you do cry out; tell him that you want your bottom to burn so painfully and so hot that you kick your feet in futile, thrillingly arousing, distress. Reassure him that you want this and that spanking you is quite different to hurting you.

    (Sorry if this sounds like patronising advice: I'm just suggesting things that worked for me).

  16. Penelope, you don't sound patronizing. And I try, although I am probably not as articulate as you. I still find it really hard to ask for what I want. We are taking baby steps and slowly getting there. I don't want to freak him out. And yes, there is lots of communicating and reassuring.

  17. When the round table discussion was first posted, I came through and read this one first and I should have left a comment then. I've been thinking about it off and on ever since and what I keep coming back to, what I find I like most of all about this post, is this: the feminist in your post is not necessarily you, but your husband. I think you were the only one to do that. I love your writing, Casey, and you showcase your abilities just beautifully here!

  18. You know Maren, it's really nice to hear from authors you look up to that they like your writing! Thanks so much, you just made my day. I am glad you enjoyed my post :)