Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Not Safe for Public Consumption

I've been off the grid lately. I've been complete shit about posting any fun updates or sharing any fun stories. The truth is I have not felt very fun. And feeling the way I've been feeling I've been keeping to myself, both online and in person.

We all know I am a real person under the Casey McKay mask, yes? I mean Casey McKay is me, the real me, but she's the unfiltered, more fun, amped up, sexier me. The everyday me is something not even an E! reality show would be based on (I mean who would want to watch someone typing on their laptop in ratty yoga pants for hours upon hours a day?).

This last week was rough in my real life and the nice thing is I know I have a lot of people I could have turned to. I have a lot of friends online and in real life who would listen-  who would give me advice or just listen to me rant. But the weird thing is I didn't want it. 

I cried, I raged, I closed myself off. I was feeling very much unlike myself and for most of the time I slipped into autopilot and just let life happen around me. Because if I didn't there were all of these feelings (all of the feelings!) and I was too tired to process.  I'm still too tired to process, but life marches on.

My point is it's hard to write funny, anecdotal posts when I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I am prone to bursting into spontaneous tears.

I realize I am being incredibly vague. Long story short my mother has had a bevy of health problems for the last decade. She ended up in the hospital this past week and I think that's just a hard thing to deal with for any kid, but when it seems like the person you want to pull through has already given up it can be hard to take.

Things are looking up now, for the most part. But still just realizations that nothing will ever be back to the way I want them. I feel like I have been grieving for the mother I had in the earlier part of my life the last six years anyway, now I can come to terms with the fact that life marches on even if it isn't exactly the way we want (when is anything easy anyway?).

Really I am just posting to check in. I am not dead- I am very much alive and excited for new things to come! I'm toiling away on a new novel (that I think may turn into a series) and I am editing away on some brand new stuff for Baronet Press, so keep watch!

I already know that I am almost back to being my old self that I am super excited I used the word 'bevy' up there.

Also, it needs to be said that Mr. McKay is taking good care of me. He's stocked extra cheese in the fridge and has even administered a "Cheer Me Up Spanking", oh you didn't know that was a thing? It's a thing, and it worked :)

Thanks friends, for stopping by and being there even if I did not solicit anything from you- it helped knowing you were out there.




6 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear about your mom. That's a real tough time. Hugs.

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  2. Oh Casey, I have been in your shoes and know how hard some days can be. Hang in there!
    ~Livia

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  3. so sorry about your mum. I'm glad Mr Mckay is seeing to your needs.
    hugs Jaye.

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  4. I'm so sorry life is rough right now for you. Sending positive thoughts your way!

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  5. Casey, I have absolutely been in your shoes. It's hard to slap on a happy face when you really want to scream and rant at the injustice of life. At times I have pictured myself as a melodramatic silent film star, rending my clothes and pulling my hair. Of course, that's on the inside. Outside I remain the wife, mother, grandmother, a highly capable woman holding every together with spit and clothespins. Pulling back to regroup is a natural response when life beats the crap out of you. Think of it as putting your pc into safe mode. When you're ready life will be waiting for you, and yeah it's hard to write happy and upbeat in times like these. Hang in there, kid and let Mr. Mckay take care of you. I am praying for blessings to come your way.

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