Thursday, November 12, 2015

Holiday Cups and Butt Sex

Have you heard of this guy Chuck Tingle? He writes these hilariously awful smut books. Maybe they aren't all that awful, who knows?

They have some great names: Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner, Shared by the Chocolate Milk Cowboys, and Helicopter Man Pounds Dinosaur Billionaire Ass all come to mind.

Then he has titles that have their finger on the pulse of very hot pop culture topics. There was one about the blue and gold dress Pounded by the Gay Color Changing Dress. Presidential race? He's got it covered: President Domald Loch Ness Tromp Pound's America's Butt.

His latest is about the whole Starbucks/Red Cup saga. You've heard about that, right? As if there isn't enough going on in the world we need to have some manufactured drama. 

Anyway, I came across this on Amazon yesterday:



I'm not afraid to admit that I sit back and watch Chuck Tingle with a certain degree of awe mixed with jealousy. Not that I want to start writing books where objects are having sex with people, but the man churns these out with a scary efficiency.

While I take a few months to drag my creativeness out of the depths of my soul. I agonize over describing my alpha man to make him dominant and yummy without seeming like a dick. I break into a cold sweat about making my orgasms seem real, but not too over the top, frequent, but realistic—Tingle has somehow figured out how to shove "sizzling human on gay holiday cup action, including anal, double anal, blowjobs, rough sex, cream pies, gangbangs, bukkake, and beverage container love" into 4700 words. How? How the hell did he do that?? It takes me 4700 words to get my characters into the same room together.

Okay, I'm sure these books which he calls "Tinglers" aren't the best things you'll ever read in your life, but I did read one once. I read Gay T-Rex Law Firm, just because I was curious and thought for sure it would have to be the most awful thing ever. You know what? It wasn't. I have read way more awful things. Sure, it had dinosaurs as lawyers and ended with a semi-consensual gang bang in the board room, but it was mildly entertaining and I did read the whole damn thing.

I was talking to some author friends about this and said I feel like I should be more annoyed at Chuck Tingle. He is essentially making a mockery out of something I take seriously. But, can I really fault someone who is bringing a little bit of levity to life?

In ten years I'll probably be taking the Chuck Tingle Master Class: How to Exploit Every Kink Ever in 5K Words or Less!

Rock on with your bad self Chuck. Keep it real.

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